Funnies for your Weekend

Saving the Antelope

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

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Best Pool Shot by a Naked White Chick

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A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never I have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!'' He started to gag at this point.''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!'' As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.

I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'' He grunted as he tried to pull me off.

Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'' More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three . She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)

Weekend

I hope every one's Memorial Weekend was good.

Tim and I went to the lake with the dogs in tow. It was a good time. When we arrived Friday we had dinner and then celebrated my niece, nephew and nephew/cousin's birthday days. They all share the same birthday. 2 and 3 years old. It was funny to watch them all open their presents. I think Ian's favorite present was his sports balls, Avery's fav was her twin baby dolls and Clay's fav was his airport. My brother also celebrated his birthday on Sunday.

Lulu jumped right in the water this year. I was surprised since she hasn't swam since last August. I thought she'd be a little tentative. My uncle took pictures, so whenever he sends them to me I'll post. She is such a good little swimmer. I think having Audrey as an older "sister" helps. Lulu must wear the life vest since she's black if Audrey dunks her we can't see her. Not that Lulu wouldn't swim back up, but it's just safer. We usually throw a tennis ball out for Audrey to chase and Lulu was racing her to the ball. She only got it once, but she like the ring toy. Unfortunately, so does Audrey. Poor Lu doesn't stand a chance in the water. On land Lu can give A a run for her money.

Tim & I came back late Sunday night, so we could ride Monday. Tim's ride was in the AM and mine was scheduled for the PM, but I got the opportunity to ride the ironman course again with Trish & Jamie in the AM. Good thing there, but I had to bail on Jean & Megan which was a bad thing. I need to get better at the ironman course since I'm racing it in a little over 2 weeks. I feel pretty good about the bike course now. The run I'm good with. The swim......I know I can swim it, but it won't be fast and it won't be pretty since I haven't been swimming much. Ya know, I'm just out there to finish the darn race.

Workout Recap & Preview

Mon - Ran 5 @5a
Tue - Biked 15
Wed - Ran 4 @ 5a
Thu - Ran 3 @ 5a
Fri - OFF TO THE LAKE
Sat - Ran 3 with Tim, Audrey & Lulu. Swam for 30 minutes. Not sure how far I swam since we have no way of checking distance, but I'm guessing 1200-1500 meters. The water was COLD. I wore my ski wetsuit which was OK. Not ideal for swimming distance, but it worked. My arms were more tired than they usually are, but I'm OK with that. I'll look like a weirdo at the race this coming Sunday, but I don't care.
Sun - Rainy at the lake, so we didn't do much. We actually came back a day early.

This coming week will be easy since I have a race on Sunday.

Happy Memorial Day

Have a safe holiday weekend

All Things Wedding

I won't tease you with what dress I chose for the engagement party. I tried on 7 and it came down to three. Tried those three on again. Two of the three were very light weight and the other was kind of a heavy material. I really liked the heavy one and the one I chose the best because the straps on the third were a little weird. I felt like I was trying to escape a straight jacket the second time I tried it on. It was a really cute dress, but those straps!!

Here is the dress I chose. The light weight one since the engagement party is in June. Could be HOT, HOT, HOT!

I won't be getting matching shoes. ; ) I know I have something that will look good with it. I also didn't get it in Canary yellow. I ordered the dress in Lapis. The dress was really comfy and if it comes in early enough I will have a slight alteration to the straps to make my girls look at little perkier. Hell, I'm 40. I think we all know what that can do to the girls. LOL!

I may get the heavier dress later for the rehearsal dinner festivites, but I have a dress and a couple of skirt outfits that I could wear, so I'll probably skip it. Good things was the dress I bought was on sale at David's $99 sale.

Workout Recap & Preview

LATE

Mon - 4 @ 5a
Tue -
Wed - 5 @ 5a
Thu - 3 @ 5a
Fri -
Sat - I ran 13.75 miles. 3.25 of them to where my running group was meeting and 2.5 of them back home. I cut off on the way back with the group to head straight home. I biked 36 miles with my friends Jean & Stacie later in the afternoon. It was so windy. There wasn't a direction we were headed that we weren't fighting the wind. I would have biked farther, but the wind was awful and I had already run against that morning. I was B.E.A.T! The girls and I had a sleep over, so we went out to the local pub after napping and running some errands. Stacie is a dude magnet there. I don't think we've ever left that place where she hasn't gotten or given digits.
Sun - Jean, Stacie and I went out to Heritage Park to cheer on our multisport pals and a few others while they participated in a du or a tri. My form of exercise for they day was to mow the lawn.

I was really bad again this past week with biking & swimming. Let's face it, my swimming is pretty non existent. I need to be better this coming week. I WILL be getting a lot of swimming and running in this holiday weekend. I can't ride at the lake, but I can get in at least 3 x 3-6 mile runs (or more if I want) and I'm going to swim 45-60 minutes at a time each day (more if I can) and then I'll do a 20-30 mile bike ride Monday when I get back. Well, that is the plan at least. I'm also hoping to sleep in while at the lake, but Little Miss likes to get up at the butt-a$$ crack of dawn every day since her momma does it 3x/week on purpose.

All Things Wedding

A few more things accomplished this week.

As you know, we got the bridesmaids dresses. I also picked out invitations, confirmed the florist, we met with the priest and received confirmation that the church would allow her (or one of her two counterparts) to marry us next March.

Why did she need confirmation you ask? Well, March 20, 2010 is during Lent. Apparently you aren't really supposed to get married during lent. Had NO idea and DO NOT really understand the reasoning behind it, but I don't really care since we now have permission.

My ensemble is ALL in. Monday I picked up the slip, veil and headpiece then got an email last night telling me that my dress was now in. YEA!!!

Problem: Where to put it so Tim doesn't sneak a peak? He said if I put a note on the closet door that he wouldn't look, so that may be what I need to do. We have two closets that he rarely goes into, so I think it'll be OK.

I'm picking up my dress at lunch today and am going to attempt to try on 7 casual dresses and pick one for the engagement party and HOPE that it comes in before June 20. I'm guessing it will since they said my dress wouldn't be here until July and we bought it all on April 23rd. Only three weeks. I think I'll be safe.

Speaking of the engagement party.....I did pick out the invites for it as well.

TA DA!!!

These are the colors that I chose to have for the engagement party. Well, within the same color scheme. The plates, etc., are orange, red, yellow, green.

More additions

This past Sunday I got a really good deal on a 3 piece set. It's a foyer table with buffet lamps. We don't have a real wall in our foyer, so I was thinking of two places I could put it. Tim and I put it together and determined it looked better on our empty wall in the kitchen/hearth area. We're only going to use one of the lamps on the table. Here is a picture. FYI: It was on clearance at Bed, B*th and Bey0nd.


I also bought a silk flower arrangement for the island also at BB&B.

Close up on the "flowers."

All Things Wedding

My bridesmaids (Jean & Stacie) plus our "whipping girl" (Megan) AND a precious addition to group, Miss Hadlee, made a trip to David's Bridal to try on bridesmaid dresses and to see how they each looked with my dress. We found one that we all really like and makes each of them look even more beautiful than they already are.

Once again, I'm going to show you the four that they tried on and leave you wondering. They tried on a strapless just for fun, so I'm not going to show that one.

The four at the bottom are the colors that I was torn between, but we figured out a color as well.

LatteLapis

TruffleWine

The style that is used to show all the colors is the only dress that doesn't come in wine. The other three come in all colors.

Wine is NOT the color I chose. I will tell you the color.....Lapis. The coordinating colors will be shades of green and maybe something else. I'm going to leave that up to the florist since I'm a complete moron when it comes to that sort of thing.

A Little Help

Does anyone know what kind of flower these are?
Tim bought them for me a week ago and they didn't say on the container.

Workout Recap & Preview

***Edited for correctness**

Mon - Ran 5 @ 5a.
Tue -
Wed - Ran 4 @ 5a.
Thu - Ran 3 @ 5a.
Fri - OFF
Sat - Rode the half ironman course (56 miles) with Trish & Jamie then ran 3.5 miles. It was a GIRLS ONLY training day. Good times. The course seemed easier this time even though there was a really strong wind.
Sun -

The next few weeks are rough. I'll be riding another long distance this weekend with a run afterwards. Memorial Day weekend is the following weekend, so I won't be getting in any riding on the weekend however; I can get a lot of swimming and some running in. The next weekend (30th-31st) there is an Olympic distance tri that I really should do so I can get the open water swim practice before the race. June 6th is a 5k that I plan on doing plus I'll need to get in a long ride. Those are the only weekends I have left before my race and I'm starting to panic that I haven't trained enough.

Just a Quick Update

There has been chatter on our adoption yahoo boards regarding where we all stand in line. That's the wait list line.

Families get on the wait list after they have been approved by USCIS (INS) by receiving a piece of paper in the mail. Yeah, I say that like it's not big deal. It's a big deal to get the piece of paper and it is a really important piece of paper, but it truly is, just, a piece of paper. You would think the thing would be gold plated after as many hoops you jump through just to get it. Bad news is that they are only good for 18 months and then you have to renew, by jumping through all the same hoops. USCIS was kind enough to allow for free extensions however; I let mine expire since Vietnam closed and we were only allowed one free extension. The kicker.....now USCIS is allowing a second free extension. Just my luck. They make that announcement after mine expires. All in all it really doesn't matter because my home study will basically have to be completely redone due to the move and the marriage.

Well, on to the point....I'm #75 in line. That's 5 slots I've moved up since the end of 2008. I'm happy I've moved, but it's also sad that I've moved because families have dropped NOT because there have been any referrals. I'd love to move because of referrals, so hopefully the two governments will get their acts together and get an interim agreement signed and referring kids again. Of those 74 people in front of me some may be requesting a girl only, so that will "move me up" because they'll get skipped over if a boy is referred. I also do not know how many of those 74 people have asked for special needs. Depending on what special needs Vietnam determines are "special" that could move me up as well because families that have requested only healthy will also be skipped over. Last I knew 13 of the 74 familes ahead of me had requested special needs, but that number can change daily. I won't ask about that number or my main number again until after the two governments figure out how the interim agreement is going to work.

Happy Two Months!!!

Tim and I have been engaged for TWO months today.

If you haven't read about our engagement day click here if you would like to read about it.

ONLY 10½ months before the wedding.

All Things Wedding

Tim and I put the arbor together this past Saturday. It'll do. It's not great and I was more than disappointed. The parts don't really work once you get it together. They are either too long or bent the wrong way because the gate will NEVER close. Even if we could get the gate together it'll never lock because they put the lock on backwards. Like I said, it'll serve it's purpose, but I'm not sure I'll be putting it in the yard anywhere. We can always use the arbor without the gates, so that will probably be the plan.

Tim and I also registered for a few things last Sunday. We didn't want to register for too much since who knows what will still be available in March, but the book says to register for some things before your engagement party. (The store told us that china, etc., will still be there in March) So, we did. I didn't want to pick out a china pattern or flatware or stemware without Tim having a say. Not that we don't have similar tastes, but inevitably I'd pick something he didn't like or vice-versa. It was actually pretty painless. We picked out our china pattern rather quickly as well as the flatware yet wavered on the stemware. I thought that would be the easiest to pick out.

Here are the pictures of the "big" items.
Platinum Wave (pattern)
Ballet Ribbon (pattern)

Andante (pattern)

We registered for some little things too. I need to go back and finish it up. We really don't need a lot. When we moved in together we were combining two houses, so we have most of the "everyday" things. They just got a bunch of new towels that are the right colors, so that saves me from having to register anyplace else. Wasn't that impressed with the placemats, but I'm sure I can find something that will due.

Any ideas of other things to register for? What did you register for? We put a toaster, can opener, pots/pan, sheets and a few out of the ordinary things like a doggie bath sprayer and some wood floor cleaner. Seriously, it's tough to register for stuff.

UPCOMING
My mom and I meet with a florist on Friday. Hopefully she'll be as good as Tim's mom says she is and I won't have to look around for other candidates. We're hoping to meet with an invitation person soon as well. I still need to call a caterer, a DJ (actually Tim's job), a photographer, the seat cover lady, a reception place and the cake person. The ladies and I are going dress shopping May 11th, but I'm not going with my niece until July or later since she's probably going to grow quite a bit. We're tossing around Hawaii or The Cayman Islands for a honeymoon and need to make that decision. There are a few other things that I want to get done before the end of June, but I think we've made a good dent so far.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Workout Recap & Preview

Mon - It was raining pretty heavy at 5a, so no running in the AM. Was going to run in the PM, but got home and it was sprinkling. Well, needless to say, I was a lazy cow and didn't do anything. I just think two weekends in a row of cycling and running has done me in. How am I EVER going to do this race?
Tue - Cycled 18 miles.
Wed - 5 @ 5a.
Thu - 3 @ 5a.
Fri -
Sat - Cycled 44 miles and ran 4. WOW! That took it out of me. I need to eat more. The ride was a good ride despite the fact that the "oragnized" ride it was supposed to be turned out to be ONLY the super fast riders. There are supposed to be three different speed groups and a sweeper. NOPE! None of that. Was pretty ticked off about that by the time I got home. I don't mind riding by myself, but when the ride is advertised as something that it obviously isn't, that ticks me off. Thankfully I knew the route we were riding or I would have been even more pissed off.
Sun -

Pretty lazy this week. I need to stop being lazy. I also need to get more swimming in . I know, I keep saying that.

All Things Wedding

It's a crappy picture, but it's the only one I could find and I couldn't get it any larger.


This is the arbor that we are going to use for the ceremony. It will be decorated with flowers, somehow, and I think the gate will be closed. The minister will stand on the backside outside the gate and we'll have the unity candle on a pedestal on the inside of the gate. Tim and I will then stand just outside of the arbor. Well, that's one thought. The other is that the gates will be open and out to either side in the front with everything else the same. Just depends on how stable the arbor is once I get it together.

I think that will be my weekend project at my parents house. We don't have any place to store the thing once it's been put together and I don't want to leave it outside all summer and winter. I already have a nasty freezer to clean out due to the move (yes, I know it's been 6 months) I don't feel like cleaning bird poo, etc., off the arbor to use it. Yep, I'm lazy! I will make a nice addition to our yard, somewhere, in 2010. I actually have two places in mind. I'll let you know next summer. LOL!